Sunday, December 21, 2008

Warning! Cat Post! Kat Mom's and Dads



Dear Reader, one who HAS a cat (you do not ever OWN a cat) has a duty to converse with the divine creature from time to silent time. No Lean came to me this morning at 2:30am tapping me on my shoulder with her claws in the extended position (her favorite) thus waking me up in torment if not outright pain. "Maa" she said, "Maa" in her fine carefully dictated way. This meant, in English, "I have a question".
I looked at her in the lightless room with only the blinking computer lights to see by and said "Mah" back. That meant (in Cattish which is the cat language spoken here locally (like REALLY locally) instead of the more common Meow lingo pre-furred by visiting kats), "Yes?". She looked into my eyes and said "Maa Purrt" which is translated in Cattish to "Why don't you and mom have tails?" I thought about this while fluffing up my pillow and replied "No Lean, You doubt our specie designation?"
To which she replied "Mah"...or "Yes". I continued "Dear One, we larger Kats have you because we love you". She just looked vacantly at me. "Maa" she replied again urging me to explain myself furr-ther. "Ok", said I "Big cats tails are taken off at birth, like foreskins are on the male big cats". "If you creep behind the local hospital there's always a big box of foreskins and big cat tails to look at, always kept separate of course." "Maa" she replied, "Why don't you have whiskers like mine then?" "Becaws No Lean, it is a style thing, we don't need them to go through small places like you do, so we trim ours off, like mom you know. "Maa" she replied again, "Maa Pirt". "Yes, I know", I said shifting myself up on one elbow, "I have a mustache, it's really similar, mom would have one too but she trims hers away as she is more practical than I". "She doesn't go through small places either?" No Lean started softening my shoulder where she sleeps. "No, through doors mostly and they are made big enough by other big cats that our whiskers would have to be 3 feet wide before they would be useful, it's a design problem with big cats." No Lean continued softening the shoulder with the ends of her claws poking thru my nightshirt, "Why did you have your tale cut off then?" I put my hand on her hands to stop her kneading, " My big cats told the doctor to do it, that's all" "Maa" she said, "Why", Why have them cut off?" "Well they were too long actually, and dragged on the ground, we couldn't lift them up and out of the way, so they got muddy and caked with dirt." "Maa" she replied laying her head down on my now softened and slightly bloody shoulder, "I see". "Maa Pirt", "thank you for explaining that to me dad-cat I always wondered."
"Maa", "Is Santa-Claws real dad?" I replied, "Maa Pirt!"..."Go to sleep No Lean, we'll talk more about this tomorrow."